I'm not even going to try to defend my recent and ongoing absence from blogging because I'm well aware of how long it's been since I last posted something true and heartfelt, and for that I apologize. However, in the spirit of true and heartfelt I am also going to unapologetically write this post on the first try - no backspaces and no rewrites. If I were to try and encapsulate all that I've encountered and endured in the last two months then this post would be nothing more than a bunch of rambling nonsense from the deep crevices of my mind, so I'm not going to do that either. Instead, I'm going to sum up the last several weeks of my life in one, or two words if you want to get technical, self-discovery. Now I'm no expert on the philosophical or spiritual perspectives on self-discovery, so if that's what you were expecting from this post then I'm sorry to disappoint. However, if you are interested in hearing a 20 year old college student's perspective on self-discovery then you're in luck.
As I mentioned I have been going through a period of time where despite the ups and downs I am learning more about myself than I ever thought was possible, and to be completely honest it's been terrifying. I'm not going to bore you with all of the details, but what's important for you to understand is that I've been afraid. Whether we're aware of it or not we spend our entire lives having revelation upon revelation about ourselves, and what makes this process scary is that sometimes these revelations backtrack rather than build on themselves. For example, we may spend all four years of high school believing that we're extroverts who love going to school events, hosting get togethers, and being involved only to find out a year into college that we've actually been introverts hiding behind the stereotypical pre-connotation that only extroverts get to experience excitement, so that's what we've forced ourselves into becoming. What's scary about this realization is understanding how much our lives have been altered by the perceptions we make about ourselves. Perhaps we didn't try out for the school volleyball team because we were afraid that we wouldn't be able to communicate well-enough with our teammates, or maybe we didn't ask out that person that we've had a crush on for months because we believed that we weren't attractive enough, funny enough, outgoing enough, talented enough, or any other of the millions of adjectives that could fit into the end of that sentence. I very recently had this realization myself.
But it's not all gloom and doom because I truly believe that there is a solution for resolving the fear that the journey of self-discovery induces, and that solution my lovely internet explorers is to realize that we are the masters. For most of us we are trained to begin figuring ourselves out in high school so that by the time we graduate college we can fully understand exactly who we are. We must know our likes, dislikes, wants, needs, dreams, expectations, and limitations and we are made to believe that all of these things are not subject to change. We are shaped and molded by the experiences we have with others to become a particular way, and eventually if we even attempt to break the shape we've been forced into we are often met with backlash and criticism. However, once we can begin to understand that we are the masters of our own destiny, and once we can begin to realize that we have the power to create and rule our own lives, that is when the true journey begins - that is when the fear turns into joy.
We have practiced our entire lives to become who we are, so much so that we have mastered our personas as if they are characters in a play. It is these characters that those around us get to know, and it is when we attempt to alter parts of these characters that we often face the most resistance from those we care for the most. But can you really blame them? However, we mustn't let the interjections and opinions of others stop us from going on the journey and mastering who we want to be and believe we are for then you may never really find yourself, and that is surly the loneliest life to live. You not only have the power, but you also have the selfless right to resist the fear of pain and rejection to embark on a journey of self-discovery to master your true self.
If there is anything that I want you to take away from this post, it is to understand that it is ok to be constantly changing. It is also ok to fear the change. However, know that the change never stops, and that the opinions from those you care about the most will also never stop. So then why waste any more time and effort trying to trick yourself into pretending to be something you're not? If you're not happy with any aspect of your life you do have the power to change it because you are the master. You are in control. There will always be obstacles getting in the way, and there will always be hills to climb, but it's how you decide to overcome them on your journey of self-discovery that makes all the difference. Do not put yourself through the misery of being afraid to be who you truly are out of the fear of what others and society will think.